I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
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