I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
