I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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