After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
