I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
