I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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