K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
