I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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