Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
