Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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