and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
