bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
