There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
