I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
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