We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
