i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Randomize
