So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
