I want to stick my p in your. b.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Randomize
