Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
