he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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