I CAN MOONWALK!
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Randomize
