Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
