Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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