i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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