1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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