I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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