and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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