if i can run in heels then i can drive
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
