he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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