When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
