If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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