I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
