I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
