We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
birth control should be required to get into college
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
