dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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