The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
