call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
