I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
