but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
