I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
