Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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