I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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