Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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