I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
