Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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