I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
