I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
you made out with another girl for some wings
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
