It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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