I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
