does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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