guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
