I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
