Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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