Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
