anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
