i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
